While I am still taking time off from regular posting, write in if you have a question. I will round up your queries and answer them in theme-based, "Ask Emma" posts. How do you like the sound of that?
One last thing: I've always wanted to build a community through this platform, so thank you, dear readers, for making that possible.
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Part 1: Reader Question -- On Sharing Fantasies
So Emma ... I have a question for you ... I was scrolling back through your blogs ... Manifesto pt 2 and under the section Mind Fucked: Hot Husband Lifestyle and then sub paragraph 'Pussy Whisperer' where you say:
That so perfectly describes our situation as we embark on this journey and head off to Vegas shortly ... have you overcome that now? If so how did you do it and was there a downside to it ... we are both holding back on 'coming clean' with out full out fantasies and I know it's because we are afraid of the reaction and hurting each other ... any advice?? Feel free to reply here or via email.While I really enjoy this kind of intimacy, I've always felt too guilty to share my most private sexual thoughts. I’ve always been afraid of being judged or of hurting the other person, which is why my instinctive reaction is to hold back and censure my own feelings.
Thanks as always for your input.
Part 2: Emma Answers
Thanks for writing in! To answer your question, sharing fantasies in a productive way requires trust, security, and compassion (i.e., the ability to listen without judgment).
Both of you need to feel emotionally secure in your relationship. First off, the person revealing a fantasy needs to know that you are going to keep her secrets to yourself.
Imagine that your partner tells you that she fantasies about getting gang banged. The last thing she wants is to have your friends snicker under their breaths the next time they meet her, or to have a well-meaning but misguided relation stage an intervention so that she can seek professional help to "get over" this.
To put things in perspective, I've lost friends over this blog. Even the most seemingly open-minded people judge, often based on their own fears and prejudices.
The bottom line? Keep it secret, keep it safe.
Take the time to create a safe, comfortable sharing space. This has practical implications: Minimize distractions (turn off your cell and other social networking gadgets). Get cozy. Maybe go for a walk or stay in, it's up to you. Just make sure that you have enough time set aside to explore your fantasies verbally, and that you are both physically and emotionally secure in your setting of choice.
Keep in mind that the process might get you really horny too, so privacy will be important....
Compassion (Listen, Don't Judge):
When your partner shares a sexy scenario with you, resist the urge to analyze it. Stop yourself from over thinking it. For example, if she tells you that she gets herself off imagining being kidnapped and gang raped, resist the urge to read between the lines unless she invites you to probe it for a deeper meaning. Ask her instead to describe what it is about the scene that turns her on. Try to understand it from her perspective.
Finally, never take a fantasy personally. It's not about you. If it's any consolation, most fantasies are meant to remain imaginary. To give them flesh is to destroy their evocative power. (And we all need masturbation material....)
So if your guy jerks off to fucking your sister or friends, or enjoys picturing you blowing his buddies through a glory hole, relax. It doesn't mean that he actually plans to fuck your posse, or pass you off as a fuck toy to his mates. On the upside, now you have a new script to play out the next time the two of you get freaky.