Desperately Seeking: My Dream Dom

Are you a submissive seeking a Dominant? Are you curious to learn more about the personality profile of a good Dom? If your answer is “yes” to either of these questions, then this post is for you.

Credits: I’d like to thank SapioSlut for sending me the FetLife link to this post, written by TheSensualDom2008. Note that at over 3000 words the original version of this essay is friggin’ long, so I’ve taken the liberty to edit the text for clarity and added section headers to facilitate reading.

For New(ish) Girls: A Guide to Finding that First Dom by TheSensualDom2008

Finding a man is no easy task for you submissive ladies. Even though men far outnumber the women on kink sites, one only has to look at the number of unattached women and their similar complaints in postings and profiles to know that it is you submissives who make up the largest demographic (sorry about that, but it's true).

While the Internet has enabled the kink world to explode into the mainstream and gain greater acceptance, it has nonetheless brought a most dangerous aspect to personal communication: anonymity. Many men (and men posing as women) are not who they claim to be. Many men who identify as dominant on kink sites do not dominate their own lives, and thus have no business dominating you in life or in passion. In fact, the far easier exercise is finding out who is NOT dominant.

From reading posts and profiles it seems that many women, particularly the newcomers, do not understand the red flags signaling: “Beware!” New submissives often spend many years living with their secret desires, without taking the time to consider the psyche of the men whom they seek in their fantasies. Ignorance of the basic desires and ethics of the dominant can be a dangerous thing. Understanding your would-be ideal counterpart will not only better equip you to find the right man, but it will also protect you against those who pretend to be such a man.

All you need to do is read fellow submissive profiles and journals to understand that there are MANY such fraudulent men. To guide you in your journey, the following are a few general thoughts that will help you understand the dominant mind. Remember that we are all unique individuals who have our own tastes, styles, temperament, and background. For every seeming "rule" there are exceptions. In fact, what I offer here is merely a hypothesis – my opinion, with additional thoughts by others. Feel free either to argue against or to suggest additions or amendments to the text.

Fishing for Fakers

IT IS LIKELY that a dominant guy will not start off by desiring you to be submissive at the get go. “Bow down on your knees for I have written!” proves only that the writer knows little about submission. After all, who submits to a man unless he has proven himself worthy of such a glorious gift, and what dominant worth his beans expects submission without earning it?

There seem to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy on first introduction. However, this kind of misstep on the fake dominant’s part actually does the submissive a great service: She can be almost certain that the dom writing is a fraud. Although many women write in their profiles, "Do not ask me to submit right off the bat!," they may be better served in keeping mum and allowing fraudulent dominants simply to hang themselves by revealing their true intentions.

Your Profile: Less is More 

Remember that the more hints you give men in your profile regarding what will not work with you offers pretenders excellent information on how BEST to approach you. They simply change their mailings to fit your profile rather than describing their real desires. Why not simply allow them to expose their true character rather than give them information that will empower them to build a false persona to entrap you?

Demanding submission in primary contact should be reason alone to “block n’ move on.” ("Blocking n’ moving on" is the best of Internet inventions. Women would be well advised to use this method often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…. Life is too short, and many pretenders revel in such conflict; it won't stop their mailings and may even make them your new Internet stalker).

The true dominant guy knows that submission is a gift and wishes to earn that gift; he does not seek freebies. Leave the "I don't submit immediately" off your profile. Allow the Insta-Dom to expose himself, then "block n' move on."

Steer Clear of the Desperate Douche 

IT IS LIKELY that a dominant guy will not seem “desperate” for your attentions. Getting dates or laid most likely is not his problem because he is so outnumbered by submissive women. In contrast to the fakes, his refreshing voice of reason attracts his counterpart. More importantly, he actually likes women.

If a “Dom” becomes frantic, anxious, despairing, or despondent because you don’t write him back every other hour; are not shaping up to his wishes; or are getting a bit feisty; most probably he has always had a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is that desperation is easy to spot. The bad news is that competition for true dominant men is fierce.

Rock Steady

 IT IS LIKELY that a dominant guy will be happy and secure in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck, financial disaster, or some slide to the bottom in his past, most likely it will be fleeting for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence.

If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job, most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. A ditch digger can indeed be dominant, but he'll probably be happy in his work (with matching biceps, to boot!). Though he may not be a millionaire, look for the man who is content in his chosen endeavor.

The Riddle of the Sphinx 

IT IS LIKELY that a dominant guy will be very interested in you as a person, and not just in your sexual needs (although they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and yearn to make sense of that puzzle (if he is interested, that is). Above all else, the dominant guy loves challenge, and that, in essence, is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world.

Most men do not enjoy the challenge that a submissive brings to a relationship; instead, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have a great capacity for fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures, and this requires both skill and creativity, not to mention the burden of “taking charge” of you. The dominant desires this burden because he knows that you bring many gifts in return. He will be very curious about you, so much so that his attention will seem quite flattering.

In general, dominants are more focused on subs and what makes them tick then vice-versa. If a man drones on and on about himself ad nauseam, most likely he is trying to figure out his own puzzle and will have little capacity to decipher yours.

Sex God 

IT IS LIKELY that a dominant guy will be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex; performance issues abound (as they do with women). It would seem impossible to control a woman if she is constantly bemoaning her lover's skill in passion.

The dominant man has either mastered, become bored with, or has no interest in elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times may have left him bereft of sport in a past vanilla life, and so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels.

Furthermore, the dominant guy has a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind to bring you to ecstasy. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of the Don Juan, if not Don himself; he’s not exactly a womanizer per se, but certainly is sexually advanced.

Toys do not a Dom Make

 IT IS LIKELY that a dominant guy may have all the accoutrements of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon (though it may impressive).

Those who tout their toys alone might well be lacking in other departments.

Patient Hunter 

IT IS LIKELY that a dominant guy will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows that you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and that it is he who has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you.

Like any other man, he may sometimes choose unwisely when searching for a mate, but his intentions for the most part will be genuine. The fake dom simply wishes to "get it on" with little regard to whether the union will be successful for either partner.

Strength in Vulnerability 

 IT IS CERTAIN that a dominant guy will make many mistakes, but he will have no fear of admitting them (although sometimes it may take him awhile to fess up, or even discover that he has made a mistake). He understands that he is not all knowing because he knows he's human.

A guy who believes that he never makes mistakes or does not admit them with good cheer CANNOT be dominant.

 Cock Shots 

IT IS LIKELY that a dominant will rarely send you a cock shot at first greeting, and he is highly unlikely to have one on his profile. Photographic exhibitionism is more of a submissive exercise. Dominants prefer to show off what they DO to someone rather than expose their own bodies for public viewing.

Calling Him Master

 IT IS LIKELY that a dominant will not introduce himself or demand that you call him "Sir, Master, Daddy, or Lordwhoshisface" right off the bat. Instead, he will wait until YOU wish to refer to him as such. The day you do is a red-letter day for any Dom: very flattering.

Begging is Beneath Him 

IT IS LIKELY that a dominant will not beg you for naked photographs. In fact, he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait until you’re dying to send him unsolicited naughty pictures and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).

Leave the Liars to Lesser Women 

IT IS LIKELY that a dominant will not lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. Dominants enjoy living life their own way, and sneaking round on the sly doesn't particularly fit the mold. He would rather be in an open relationship, a poly-union, or a swinging situation than cheat.

The dominant guy is straight forward, and will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs. If he is attached, he will likely be forthcoming with that information. Even if he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, more than likely he will say so; he won’t care enough to lie. If you don’t want his cheatin’ heart, he'll find someone who does.

In fact, IT IS LIKELY that the dominant won’t lie about much, although he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who gauges that swallowing golden showers is right up your alley may well know that telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying; he’s just taking the appropriate steps first, revealing information at the speed that he thinks you can absorb it (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often).

The bottom line: A real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. Again, he’s got an ego, and the blow of failure comes hard.

The lying “dom,” on the other hand, will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. He will tell the sensualist that he is not sadistic when he is, and tell the masochist that he is sadist when he is not. A man who attempts to play with a woman whom he cannot handle or who cannot handle him is desperate. He will vie for ANY WOMAN, caring little for true success other than “I got her.”

Style & Spelling 

IT IS LIKELY that a dominant man will at least make his best attempt to use correct spelling and grammar when writing (but keep in mind that we all make typos and grammatical mistakes when writing quickly). Appearing ignorant will be repugnant to him even if he is no wordsmith.

Rage is Ridiculous 

IT IS LIKELY that the dominant man will rarely become angry or enraged when initially communicating online or in person. He is easy going, with a live and let live attitude. We all get angry at times in relationships, but if some guy is badgering you or yelling at you during initial contact, or is constantly cornering you in mind games where you cannot win, most probably he is a fraud.

The dominant man MIGHT be a laughing riot, and MIGHT bring both intensity and humor to his D/s world. The man who feigns only a visage of seriousness may indeed be a man to avoid. With wit comes intelligence and proof that a dom does not take himself or D/s too seriously. All these are good qualities in a dom. Why can't D/s be fun as well as intense? There are many who find this combination mandatory.

Charmed 

 IT IS LIKELY that a dominant will not be ham-handed in his approach during initial contact. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, and making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless or even aloof at times. He will grow on you – capture you – enlighten you. He will make things seem clear that may have been fuzzy once. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!).

Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominant gets off by watching you soar, not fall. He longs to make you blossom under his care.

Protect Me 

IT IS LIKELY that after a period of communication the dominant man may become protective of you, even if he does not feel that he is right for you. He will still hope that he can help you in some way (if he has the time).

The Honest Novice

Even if he is new to D/s, IT IS LIKELY that the new dominant will have no problem admitting his novice state and not carry on like some Lord from the seventh century. He ventures online for knowledge and the opportunity for quest, NOT for conquest. He may indeed thirst for a partner, yet hungers more for knowledge.

(Some say that two newbies exploring such a venture together can be the most beautiful union of all; they may have a point, but the new dom faces the greatest of challenges: those initial steps. He is not right for many, and hopefully he knows this.).

Mentorship

 IT IS HIGHLY LIKELY, IF NOT MANDATORY, that a dom will have no qualms with you getting advice from sources other than him. Most likely he will point you toward many places where you can gain more knowledge of the lifestyle. He may even introduce you to other dominants and/or submissives (it is always good to have submissive friends both new and experienced with whom to bounce ideas around).

The dom who wishes to isolate you from others, from knowledge, and particularly from family and friends is to be given a wide berth. The only way he can remain dominant over you is if you remain ignorant and totally dependent on him for all information and communication. Knowledge is his enemy, for the knowledgeable know that he is a fraud.

In other words, ignorance is YOUR enemy. Beware of the isolationist! No doubt there are many more attributes and red flags to look out for.

Risk-Taker 

Many dominant men need and thrive on challenge, and this may be why some enjoy jumping from one woman to the next so quickly; it is the easier challenge. The dominant man may well have many short-term lovers, but eventually that challenge will grow dull and he will long for more.

The dominant has a healthy ego, yet he will at times come across as humble. Challenge equals risk and bring mistakes; you cannot have one with out the other. Taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering, yet it is also a humbling endeavor. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new.

However, a true dominant will always strive to be better, and although he longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time, but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s. A submissive is a truckload of challenge (just ask their ex-vanilla lovers), so the dominant needs you like he needs air.

In other words, he wants your worship not simply for worship’s sake, but because he has ventured beyond the norm into a realm of risk, and passing across the abyss where anxiety lurks and footing is treacherous, he breaks into the sunshine of success by offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship: because in risking himself he has earned and deserves such devotion.

 If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life or with his woman, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, then it is a fair bet to say that he has no business taking on someone as gifted, precious, and courageous as you.

The Quirks of Kink 

 LAST but perhaps MOST IMPORTANT: Unless a submissive finds her kink early in life, many submissives spend years (if not decades) in secret fantasy. Venturing to kink sites is often more of a calling than an adventure: A calling a submissive can no longer deny.

Once exposed to the kink world – seeing the sites, hearing the stories – a woman becomes empowered in knowing that she is not alone. The initial onslaught of suitors makes the fact of actually experiencing fantasy in some near future suddenly very possible (hooray!), and sometimes this euphoria causes a new submissive’s fervor to double or even quadruple... …And all too often, this "sub frenzy" makes a new submissive forget all the dating rules that took her a lifetime to learn.

Compared to the vanilla world, dating in kink often takes an ass-backward approach. Unlike vanillas, D/s practitioners often (if not always) expose sexual and sensual needs before even meeting; the lists of fetish in profiles are used as calling cards to match up like-minded suitors.

“Hello, I’m a sadist leather, Daddy Dom.”

 “Pleased to meet you, I’m a latex-loving cum-slut, how do you do?”

Just because the kink world often eschews the mores of vanilla daters doesn’t mean that we must throw the baby out with the bath water (more metaphor). Vanilla dating has many wonderful rituals that have taken decades if not centuries to develop, and many of these are well worth exploring before "playtime" comes a callin'.

The Value of Vanilla Rituals 

New submissives often overlook these customs. However, after meeting and chatting over the Net, it might be best to go back to square one. For instance, you might wish to try actually MEETING the man socially before showing up at his door, stripping down to nothing and then falling to your knees.

Although some may find this kind of anonymity to their liking (particularly wayward doms on the prowl), the written word or telephone call still falls far short of an old fashioned face-to-face encounter. Nothing can replace physical chemistry, so why not meet for a drink, some coffee, take in a movie, hold hands, walk on the beach, spend a day in the park, have a first kiss, or any other “boring” activity to see if you both have that elusive and most important kink quality: True Compatibility.

Speak of topics other than sex, whips, and chains. Find out if you enjoy the same things, have the same tastes, like the same music, movies, art, or gardening, bowling, Parcheesi, or water sports (no, the vanilla kind!). Find out about his other life: Does he enjoy his work and do co-workers enjoy working with him? Where does he work (is he Googleable?)? Does he have passions other than kink? Does he have many friends? Does he get along with his family? Even if your possible mate is an orphaned lone wolf who works alone at home, see how he treats others out in public: Is he kind to waiters, bartenders, children, dogs, rodents, or any other living thing? Is he charming, affable, or at least tolerant of others, or is there a reason why he lives in a secret world? Find out if he is as funny and brilliant in person as he was over email; you won’t regret it. Funny is big on everyone’s list of “good” dom attributes.

Some believe that if a dom has spent a decent amount of time in the kink world, then you may get references from others about his character. However, like vanilla counterparts in passion, many doms practice their kink in private and do not attend munches, fet-parties, or socialize in any D/s group. This does not mean that they are fakes; it just makes them... private.

That said, both the “out” dom and the private dom should be met in public – some place where little things like clothes are mandatory. It is entirely reasonable to request that a dom meet and get to know you before you are naked, bound, and he holds a flogger in his hand, don’t you think?

 If a dom rejects or suggests doing away with such old-fashioned courtship rituals, then perhaps another might be better suited to your tastes… and safety. Most important of all, when you’re hunting for a dom try to calm the fervor that builds inside (we all know it’s difficult), and instead be guided by your common sense – your innate ability to judge men long before you take that next step where you will be so deliciously and dangerously vulnerable.

If you are a horrible judge of character, perhaps an accompanying friend might make a valued third at a first meeting offering you a second opinion.

Keep in mind that even if you find a dom who embodies many of the qualities described above, you may still have a bad or abusive experience (it happens, and not only in the kink world). If you take certain precautions described here and elsewhere, you will considerably cut down the odds of having such an experience.

Trust me on this one: You don't want to have a bad experience. (Just read some of the horror stories on kink sites by unfortunate submissives to understand why.) Take a cold shower, calm down, be smart, remain sane, read, learn, listen, and be patient. It is your best defense against being abused, or having a lesser experience than desired.

Take your time. Know your dom. Happy hunting!