First off, I’d like to thank a recent anonymous reader for inspiring me to share some of my discoveries with you:
On 4 March 2012 at 2:44 am, Anonymous said...
"Your honesty is key to your credibility. Thank you. Don't forget that you have an influence on folks like myself who are only beginning to explore this part of their sexuality with their partners. You have a big responsibility. So, again, thank you both."
Knowledge is Power
Before you even consider setting up an online profile to meet BDSM kinksters, make sure to do some research first. If you are a swinger transitioning into BDSM, for example, know that BDSM play styles and boundaries are very different from that of the swinger community.
The most obvious point of contrast is sex: “Mainstream” BDSM play parties usually don’t involve sex, and a good number of BDSM players are either monogamous or practice high-fidelity polyamory (i.e., form a part of exclusive triads, quads, and so forth).
If you want to gain some insight into what “play” means to people in the BDSM/kink community, I recommend you check out Morpheous’ fun and practical book, How to be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM.
If you are keen on exploring the psychological facets of BDSM, particularly in terms of the Dominant/submissive dynamic, Submissive Guide is an invaluable web reference. Jack Rinella’s Master’s Manual: A Handbook for Erotic Dominance is equally helpful – even if you are not into the gay leather scene.
Online Minefield
If I’ve cautioned you against creating an online profile on a BDSM/kink networking website before you are properly informed about the scene, it’s with good reason. Aside from putting off serious players who are heavy into protocol (i.e., rules of conduct for slaves, submissives, Masters, Dom/mes, etc.), your ignorance of the BDSM/kink world can be dangerous to you and your relationship.
First off, your need to understand the basics to be able to create a profile that represents where you’re at in terms of your sexual exploration and what you seek. If you don’t know what distinguishes a bottom from a slave or a sub, a top from a Master or a Dom, and a kinkster from a fetishist, you’re likely to misrepresent yourself and be confused about how other kinksters negotiate their identities.
Another thing to keep in mind: People lie – especially online. “Don’t be naïve,” kinky Dom once told me. Be skeptical of every profile you come across. For the most part, people who misrepresent themselves are harmless narcissists looking for a little attention (you’ll see many a profile full of erotic pictures, some dating back as far as a decade..!). Others are just looking for a kinky pen pal with whom they can open up about their darkest fantasies without running the risk of being judged in “real life” (I have a handful of such correspondents – it’s good, safe fun).
Whatever the case, NEVER – I repeat, NEVER – disclose personal information. Your full name, home address or number, and place of work should be off limits.
Even when you do decide to meet people in person, don’t rush to confide any personal information. I also encourage you to hold back from playing with them. Set up another vanilla date to give them another once-over.
Trust me on this one.
Case and point: PC and I decided to meet an online “friend” for coffee. She seemed pretty grounded, but our instincts kept us from setting up a play date. Instead, we scheduled another coffee date. That’s when she flaked out – big time. I don’t want to get into the details out of respect for her, but let’s just say that her recent history involved medication and a police intervention. I hate to be a bitch, but that’s too much drama for us.
Finally, in spite of what players may tell you about how open, accepting, non-judgmental, respectful and safe the BDSM/kink scene is, some players are douche bags (I'll tell you more about that soon) and abuse does happen.
Finally, in spite of what players may tell you about how open, accepting, non-judgmental, respectful and safe the BDSM/kink scene is, some players are douche bags (I'll tell you more about that soon) and abuse does happen.
Stay Safe.
E. xox
3 comments:
Good cautionary advice and may I add well worth the effort.
I know -- we're in the process of meeting cool people now (no play yet, I figure that will take some time). More to come in future posts!
A very safe way to learn about BDSM and meet people who do it safely is to join a local BDSM organization. Every major city and some smaller cities have them. In Seattle, for example, you can join the Center for Sex Positive Culture, which has 2500 members and 80 events a month (not all BDSM.)
Just google leather, or BDSM, or Kink and the name of your city. A sex toy store or a group you are not interested in can probably tell you about groups you would like.
Post a Comment