Till Kink Do Us Part?

Rage – oh god! Let me tell you of the rage I harbored against my husband PC, selfish, unyielding, that almost cost us our marriage. 

It was the fight to end all fights. I can write about it now, in the safety and comfort of our renewed peace. If ever I emphasized the importance of communication in intimate relationships, I will do so again with added vigor, not to mention a heightened awareness of its critical significance. 

Reluctant Fuck Doll 

PC’s reckless need to dominate me sexually sowed the seed of discord in our relationship. My naïve passivity enabled it to flourish. In plain terms, PC turned into a sexual bully. At first I assumed that he was attempting to protect me, to ease me into the “swing” scene by dictating boundaries and insisting on driving the play, so I was flattered. 

However, on two occasions, one at L’Orage and another the old Celeste, I broke down after he pushed me too far. His reaction in both instances was telling: He was unsympathetic, claiming that I was ruining his buzz. “Get your game on,” he scolded. “What’s the point of being here if we’re not going to play with others?” Dumbfounded, I swallowed my tears, silenced the rage swelling in my chest, and marched on.... 

Virtual Bait 

I also lost trust in him online. Case and point: He created a string of couples’ profiles online without my knowledge or consent. To his credit, he did eventually tell me about them, share passwords, and encourage me to interact with players of my choice. Why did he decide to keep the profiles a secret at first? Was he having too much fun chatting with other women online, and was afraid I’d ask him to stop? I was irritated, to say the least, but I never confronted him directly about it. 

The plot sickens: He also started posting pics of me on some of these profiles without my approval, and got pissed when I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that. Although he promised that he would ask me for my permission next time, he nevertheless kept sending random people pics of me during MSN chats. At one point he even revealed compromising personal information in the heat of the moment. Wtf??? Who does that?

(We’ve since agreed to dismantle our shared hotmail account and to limit MSN sexting to people whom we know in person.) 

Fault Line Analysis 

If I’m making PC sound like an asshole, keep in mind that I’m just as much to blame as he is for widening the rift that threatened to destroy our relationship. My passive-aggressive nature, my fear of open conflict, checked me from meeting him head-on in productive (albeit potentially explosive) dialogue. 

The result? Instead of standing up for myself, I bowed my head and went along with whatever he had in mind during group play settings. I also turned a blind eye to his online shenanigans. In other words, if he was acting like a bully, I enabled his behavior by tacitly consenting to it.

Problem #1: Lone Hunter

We’ve since identified the two critical sources of our problem.

First, PC never adapted to swinging as a couple. In having participated in the Montreal scene for close to a decade as a single man, he was hardwired to play exclusively on his terms. Unconsciously, whenever we hit the club he was living out his fantasy, and I was merely tagging along. This is one of the reasons why I put the brakes on our swinging adventures, and why I got turned off by that scene. I never got a chance to “own” it – to explore it on my terms.

As for our "online crisis," I eventually figured out why he often included me in the process after the fact, and made decisions without consulting me: Again, he was used to hunting solo.

Problem #2: Unconscious BDSM 

Second, we were both completely in the dark about the D/s (Dominant/submissive) dynamic inherent in our relationship. (In hindsight, I recognize it in PC’s drive to control our private and group play, and in the pleasure I derive from submitting to his will – when I feel that my boundaries are respected, of course. The slew of “positive” posts I wrote on our adventures fall into this category.) 

To be specific, we’ve recently become aware of our complementary psycho-sexual dispositions: PC is something of a sexual sadist, and I am a sexual masochist. Much to his surprise (and initial revulsion), he’s discovered that he gets off on rousing my fear, on driving me to tears during a play "scene."  Likewise, I have come to accept the fact that, under the right circumstances, I thrive on pain and humiliation. 

We've also learned that in a safe, sane, and consensual context, the kind of sadomasochistic, D/s dynamic we share has the potential to enrich our sexual relationship by deepening our emotional intimacy. However, we had been practicing psychological BDSM in reckless ignorance: Without negotiating boundaries, without safe words, and, what’s worse, without seeking each other’s explicit consent. 

The consequences were devastating; fortunately, we had the good sense to close off our relationship in time to save it.

...to be continued next week....