Sub Frenzy

As you can imagine from my previous post, kinky Dom's scenarios drove me wild – I was horny enough to take on a battalion of men and still want more. Sex (and submissive scenarios in particular) was on my mind 24/7. In short, I suffered from an acute case of sub frenzy.

At first, my correspondence with kinky Dom had a positive impact on my relationship with PC. It fueled some of the raunchiest, most intense sex we’ve ever had. For an entire week during the winter holiday break, we fucked daily to exhaustion.

Casting aside chores and social obligations, getting by on whatever food we had in our apartment, we fucked each other raw. Our bed was a battlefield, our bodies weapons: With each maneuver our wildest fantasies gained ground over our most explosive fears, until we lay there, dead tired, but always victorious.

In short, for a whole week I drifted in and out of “subspace” – that altered state of consciousness analogous to a drug-induced high that submissives experience when physical pain transforms into pleasure during a scene. I lost all notion of time. My sense of self was consumed by sex. What’s worse, I hungered for more. I wanted to push myself further. I wanted to become someone’s sex slave.

“O” is for Obsession 

I once suggested that the initial “O” attributed to the title character in The Story of O is a reference to her status as a fuck doll, i.e., a series of holes to be cock-filled. Now I am aware of a more subtle and far more dangerous possibility: “O” is for obsession.

I ought to know. If you’ve noticed that PC has taken the backseat in this post, you’re dead on. That’s exactly the problem. My obsession with sexual submission drove me to think exclusively about my own needs. Satisfying his desires and acknowledging his insecurities no longer seemed important. There was no “us” in my imagination, there was only “me.” I had turned into a heartless, cock-hungry bitch: One who was actually thinking about striking out on her own to fulfill her fantasies, come what may. (Wtf? Who does that?)

Case and point: I invited PC to create a profile on the same BDSM/kink website, in the hopes that we could explore this new world together. As soon as he did, I bitched him out. Why? Selfish reasons: His profile cramped my style; it did not correspond to the image I wanted to project to other players. I even went as far as not “friending” him for a couple of days, and only added him in my “relationship” status a week later. Cold hearted? Mean spirited? Yes. I’m not proud of this! When I look back on my egotistical actions, I can only cringe. (Note that we eventually resolved the profile issue by talking it out.)

Armed for War 

You can probably guess the outcome of my story. PC got pissed. He was both jealous of the obscene amount of attention I was giving to strangers online, and afraid of where it might lead. Instinctively, he knew that I was pulling away from him. Hurt and neglected, he retaliated by becoming increasingly selfish. He stopped caring about getting me off when we’d fuck. Emotionally, he started stonewalling me. We were headed for a take-no-prisoners, all-out war.... 

Thanks to his good sense, we negotiated a truce right before our conflict reached a boiling point. After a battery of heated discussions that carried on daily for close to two weeks (to put the magnitude of this crisis in perspective, we usually resolve conflicts in one session), it all came to a head one Friday afternoon. For the first time in months, we were able to articulate relationship boundaries and expectations that validated our respective needs. 

It made me feel clean. 

Grounded. 

Loved. 

Our horizon opened up again. In my heart the future of us now holds the same promise as always, the same hope I expressed in my original praise of PC. 

 (....to be continued next week....)

P.S. I just read this post out loud to PC, and he claims (with a wry smile) that it still does not do justice to the pain I put him through. Although we’re over the worst of it, evidently we both still have some ego bruises that need healing.I have faith that with time, patience, communication, and lots of love, we’ll not only rise above this, but also come back stronger than ever.