His Barbarous Bitch

In revenge and in love, woman is more barbarous than man.*

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.**

Was it a need for revenge that drove me to create a profile on a BDSM site? In part, yes. I was enraged at PC for betraying my trust, and I felt a need to even the score between us. But that’s only half the story.

Without realizing it at the time, I was mourning – mourning the end of a phase in our relationship, the end of our halcyon days of swinging. I missed the intensity of the intimacy we shared then, fueled as it was by the thrill of the chase and the highs of anonymous group sex....

Overcome by a disorienting sense of loss and an ever-increasing feeling of emptiness, I ached for a new scene. I wanted desperately to find like-minded people – to become part of a community. (I had hoped to find such a network in the local swing scene, but our flash-fucking play style discouraged intimacy with other players. Also, the hetero-normative context of swing culture really turned me off. PC and I are both too kinky for vanilla swaps.)

 A Dangerous Initiative

Without consulting PC, I created a profile on a BDSM/kink networking website. Within a couple of days a handful of hot Doms and kinksters sent me some delightfully suggestive messages. One in particular seized my imagination: A kinky, nylon-fetishist Dom about my age with a killer sense of humor, a deliciously bold writing style edged with irony, and serious mind-reading abilities.

Don’t believe me? Ok. Remember how I’ve been fantasizing about gangbangs for over a year now? Uh huh. What about my rambling on (maybe ad nauseam to some of you) about The Story of O? You know, the book that has inspired 98% of my masturbation fantasies since last September? The book wherein a woman becomes a sex slave and gets whored out and gangbanged *all the time*?

So get this: In his very first message, this kinky Dom offers to fulfill all of my deepest, most immediate fantasies. He invites me to become his lover, to undergo “submissive-slut training” at his hands. When I’m deemed “ready,” he plans to continue my “education” by sharing me with another Dom. (Fuck! Just writing about it makes me wet, lol.)

Here’s the killer: Their final aim is to prepare me for a sub-slut,  humiliation training weekend, a.k.a. a “debutante ball” as the genre is called in BDSM porn (you pervs out there know I’m referring to kink.com vids), during which I will serve a group of men in whatever way they see fit....

Sigh.

Deep breath.

Exhale. (....Slowly....)

Fuck!!!

(I want this so bad!!!)

It didn’t end there. If I write about him in the present tense, it’s because we’re still in touch. I can’t help it. He’s a fucking good writer who can hold his own with me, who gives it to me on the level, and has the balls to call me out on my bullshit. I feel like I’m choking on his cock every time he puts me in my place (which is often ‘cause I’m a mouthy, bratty lil sub who’s aching for a rough spanking, and he knows it).

(...to be continued next week...)



Notes:

*Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
**Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra