Born this Way: Profile of a Montreal Nomo ("Swinger") Couple

Were PC and I born this way? Are swingers* hardwired to be sexually non-monogamous? I am neither a psychologist nor a research chair in human genetics, so I’m not qualified to weigh in on the academic side of this debate.** My personal experience is the sole basis from which I can draw any conclusions.

I’ve been in both sexually exclusive and sexually open long-term relationships. The bottom line? For me, sexual non-monogamy feels right: It makes the most sense from a visceral, affective, and intellectual standpoint. 

Keep in mind, though, that we’re not dealing with absolutes. "Swinging" as a couple is not a question of identifying against monogamy. The ebb and flow of sexually non-monogamous relationships include (sometimes long) periods of sexual exclusivity. (According to the people whom PC and I have met in the lifestyle, the top-three reasons why couples close off their unions include childbirth, time constraints, and relationship turbulence.)


 Forging my identity as an emotionally mature woman who takes responsibility for her sexuality was no easy feat. It took a devastating emotional crisis – the collapse of my first (and, for the most part, sexless) marriage – to make me reevaluate who I am and what I need from a committed relationship. Not until I fully recovered from that shock, and only after a brief period of sexual experimentation counting a handful of short-lived adventures, was I able to break free from the bonds of convention and live my sexuality according to my own rules.

When I started dating PC, a man in his early thirties who had been living the lifestyle since his 20s, I was in the right frame of mind to explore the new territory of sexual non-monogamy – even at the risk of losing him. For his part, after becoming entangled in a stormy vanilla union in his late twenties that almost led him to the altar, he’d made up his mind to find an unconventional woman who shared his outlook on sexuality. Non-monogamous since the beginning, we visited  Le Celeste, a local sex club, on our third date, and haven’t looked back since. 

Make no mistake: The lifestyle is no promised land. A trip to your local sex club or  neighborhood love hotel isn’t going to cure an ailing marriage, nor will it add spark to a lackluster relationship. Whatever insecurities, hang-ups, and unresolved problems burden your couple, you carry that baggage with you when you play with others. 

In spite of what the plethora of “swinging for dummies”-type books profess, moreover, we’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no foolproof set of rules that you can follow to help you navigate the nebulous waters of sexual non-monogamy. All anyone can offer you is a set of guidelines.

Here's a handful of observations you may find useful: 

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Tip #1: Stay true to your course

Respect your union by never losing sight of what brought you and your partner together in the first place. 

Tip #2: Parley 

You need to have ongoing open, honest, and non-judgmental conversations about sex that include discussing your respective fears, desires, and needs. 

Tip#3: Sail in fair weather only

Just had a fight? Not feeling it? Need sleep? Stay home. Don’t play (with others).

So far, our growing complicity is the greatest benefit that PC and I have enjoyed from sexual non-monogamy. Living the lifestyle compels us to assess our relationship on a regular basis, which makes us less likely to take each other for granted. Striking a balance between the demands of our personal and professional lives, and the fulfillment of our sexual fantasies still constitutes our biggest challenge.

Ultimately, whether non-monogamy amounts to an act of piracy that undermines the sanctity of marriage (as those who denounce it have claimed), or corresponds to some sort of archaic natural human state is beside my point. For PC and I, sexual non-monogamy is a dynamic life process that we feel compelled to explore together.

Notes:

*If you’re curious to read more about our allegedly non-monogamous hardwiring, check out the highly acclaimed and controversial book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality.

**Personally, I loathe the term “swinger.” Every time I hear it I can’t help but think of 1970s cardboard cutout, Ken and Barbie suburbanite couples who wife-swap for kicks (the same goes for another variant: “Hot wife lifestyle”). 

The French term “libertine” is no better. Seemingly more refined, it packs an explosive political charge that will ally you with a misogynist, eighteenth-century Republican (i.e., as in vive la France, down-with-the-monarchy Republican) pornographer named Marquis de Sade, from whose name we derive the term “sadism.” 

Alternately, I’ve considered defining our lifestyle as an “open relationship,” but this description edges too close to polyamory to represent adequately the kind of union that PC and I share. Funny enough, I've heard the acronym "nomo" bandied about recently -- from no(n-)mo(nogamous) -- which sounds like "normal" if you slur it & say it kinda fast. What do you think? (I gotta say, it's growing on me....)