“M” is for Multiple Sex Partners

"M" is for Monogamy Multiple Sex Partners...

Do you want to have the freedom to fuck other people without having to cheat on or break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse? Does the idea of sharing your sexual adventures with your significant other turn you on? Keep reading.

Be warned that it takes a heavy dose of emotional maturity to open your relationship -- even on a purely sexual level. You need to be honest with yourself and with your lover about your needs, fears, and fantasies. I can’t stress this enough: Communication is key to making the lifestyle work for you. 

Provided that you have the guts to take the first step – to have that potentially life-changing discussion with your partner – the sexual liberation and emotional fulfillment you may come to experience can only be described in one word: Joy. 

The Flavours of Non-Monogamy: Polyamory, Open Relationships,  and "Swinging"

Contrary to polyamorists ("poly" for short), who engage in more than one romantic relationship at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all partners, my husband, PC, and I share an emotionally monogamous bond that is not sexually exclusive. In practice, this means that on the one hand we are committed to building a life together in the conventional sense of what that means to the heterosexual mainstream in North America (cohabitation, marriage, kids, and so forth). 

On the other hand, we fuck other people. Together. That’s key really – and it’s what differentiates us from those who opt for an open marriage. While maintaining an exclusive emotional partnership with one person, couples in open relationships have sex with other people according to whatever rules they’ve established. This may include one or both partners having lovers on the side. 

Keep in mind that in practice, the boundaries delineating polyamory, open relationships, and "swinging" are often hazy. (Wanna learn more? Explore Life on the Swingset.) In spite of the stigma attached to the term "swinger" these days,** PC and I choose not to identify as "poly" or "open" for three good reasons. 

First, we get off by fucking other people together (you'll hear more about this in a future post).  Second, we don’t have the time to commit emotionally to anyone outside of our couple. Our professional and personal obligations simply do not permit it. Third, at this point in the evolution of our union, we haven’t felt the urge to open our emotional intimacy to secondary partners. Maybe we never will. Who knows? 

Making the Nomo* Transition

If you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for some time, the emotional impact of introducing new partners into your sex life can be overwhelming. Transforming a fantasy into reality can be scary, especially if you fear losing the intimacy that brought you and your lover together in the first place. If you’re starting a new relationship, talking about your sexual needs – especially if they deviate from the mainstream – can sometimes be a challenge. 

Here are some important things to consider before you hit the sex club or create a couple’s profile on a "swinger" meet-up website: 

Are you jealous, possessive, or insecure? 

Are you easily embarrassed? 

Are you afraid to be naked in front of strangers? 

If you responded in the affirmative to any of the above, the lifestyle may not be for you -- at least not now. 

Conversely, if your answer is “yes” to all of the questions below, then you just might be ready to explore non-monogamy with your partner:

Do you love sex? 

Does the idea of watching your partner fuck another man or woman turn you on? 

Can you be stone-cold sober and still get your freak on with strangers? 

The lowdown? Know who you are. Know what you need. Have the balls to go after it. If fucking other people is necessary to you, then don’t be ashamed or get duped into thinking that there’s something wrong with you. Accept it and find a way to make it work. 

Note:

*According to current street speak in my 'hood, "nomo" is short for "non-monogamy" or "non-monogamous." It is a term that is gaining acceptance in the alternative lifestyle community, particularly among those who reject the term "swinger" to describe their sexual practices but do not identify as polyamorists.

I'm guessing that the ironic play on the word "normal" in "nomo" might appeal to non-monogamous couples who otherwise live a mainstream life (i.e., are married, have children, etc.).