Here’s the post mortem on the worst girl-on-girl action I’ve ever experienced. (Want the lead-up details? Read my last post, Anatomy of a Bad Unicorn Hook Up).
If you recall, PC and I had a unicorn (i.e., swinger speak for a single woman who plays with couples) come over on a Sunday afternoon for a threesome. At least that’s what we had negotiated when I first met her. After washing down a few bites of sushi with close to two bottles of wine, however, she decided that she only wanted to play with me – two major red flags we should’ve noticed.
First off, I don’t drink, so I didn’t clue in to how much liquid courage she had to work up before getting freaky. Second, in light of how hot and heavy she got with PC over dinner, we were both convinced that once I’d warmed her up she’d want him to join in. That never happened. I quickly discovered two things: Fucking drunks sucks, and I’m not into extra-marital sex unless PC is right in the middle of the action with me. Eating her out in our bed with him in the next room was a serious buzz kill.
In a fit of frustration, I leave her alone.
“Dude,” I whisper emphatically to PC in our kitchen, ”she’s got no finesse! We made out a little and bang! Her nails are in my pussy. Wtf is that about?” My gut reaction was to swear off all newbies and players under 30.
“I’m not a friggin’ sex coach, for fuck’s sake. Seriously, I’m done playin’ with kidz.”
–“E,” PC replies with a wry smile (he's familiar with my histrionic outbursts), “she has the potential to be a unicorn. She’s already halfway there. Give her a chance. She just needs some training.”
I’ve been called a dude with a pussy by some of the men I’ve dated (PC included) for my unsentimental approach to sex and relationships. Even though my instincts balked at the idea of giving her a second chance, PC convinced me, albeit only for a moment, to consider her perspective.
Ok. Maybe she was intimated, shy, embarrassed. I dunno.…
We go back to the bedroom to find her passed out, ass up, in our bed. Classy. Real classy. I’ve never collapsed in a stranger’s bed, so I find this turn of events highly unsettling.
At PC’s insistence, we strip and lie down in bed next to her. I’m still turned off, but the smell of sex on his breath gets me going. We start to fuck. All of a sudden PC backs away from me, his eyes clouded with concern. “Did a pipe burst?” Confused, I sit up, my hand grazing the unicorn’s thigh. It was wet. The unbelievable had just happened: She’d pissed all over herself.
The enormous wet stain spreading over our new mattress rouses us to action. I shake her shoulders to wake her. When that fails, I smack her ass – hard – harder – but it’s no use. She’s out cold. We each grab hold of her limbs and drag her dead weight to the kitchen, where we lay her down on some old towels. “At least if she pukes or pisses on herself again we can mop the floor no problem,” I sneer, my voice drained of sympathy.
….An hour later she awakes up, still in a half-drunken stupor, and stumbles into our bedroom. Get this: When she sees our mattress up against the window, she assumes we’ve punked her!
"We’ll never hear from her again," I can't help thinking while I watch PC pull out of the garage with her in the passenger seat. I breathe a sigh of relief. Funny enough, the following weekend she texted him to ask if we wanted to take her and some random guy to a swinger club. No apologies, no mention of the mattress incident. Swinger club? Yeah, right. The answer is “NO.”
The bottom line? Be very selective about whom you bring home, limit alcohol consumption during a first hook up, and stand firm – regardless of you man's insistence – if you aren't 100% into playing with your guest(s).
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In case you still want to know, here’s the secret to getting unicorn piss out of your mattress. First, spray on a one-cup water, one-cup vinegar mixture to dilute the urine, then dump three boxes of baking soda over the mess to soak up the moisture. Finally, let your mattress air dry – preferably against an open window. Depending on the size and depth of the stain, two nights al fresco should do it.